It’s the first work day of 2015! Which is feeling a little bit like “WHY CRUEL WORLD WHY” and kinda like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T FIT SIX ESPRESSO SHOTS IN THAT CUP,” but also a little nice, because if the rest of 2016 looks anything like this past weekend then I’m about to need a liver transplant.

So, while I try to come up with a medical/religious excuse to never wear real pants to work ever, please enjoy the fruits of this weekend’s hungover Tinderfest!

New year new boys 1New year new boys 2

He hasn’t responded and I’m overwhelmingly sad about it. What’s wrong with my motto, B?!

So, who’s the new boy that I’ll ‘reign’ in 2016 with? Maybe this one?

racist

FYI, the tea joke was “How do Americans make tea? They throw it into the harbor!” HAHA ha h- not funny in the least.

Ehhh, probably not. I’m looking for a rasict.

cheese1

Ooooh, cheese. Now we’re talking. Let’s see here…

cheese2

cheese3

If you don’t share my cheese philosophy, we will never be lovers. NEXT.

dream1
So, this is the first time I’ve ever seen this profile format, but each one of his assertions is backed up by photographic evidence. I’m assuming his default mirror selfie (no face) is the “dream man” portion (already not going well). Then we have…

dream5

His own lake!

His booze and Red Bull hookup!

His booze and Red Bull hookup!

Builds computers for fun!

Builds computers for fun!

Cooks gourmet meals!

Cooks gourmet meals!

I would just like to say that I appreciate the effort he put into this, but THANK GOD he didn’t include photographic evidence that he can “slap your ass like a man who knows how.” I can rest a little bit easier at night having never seen this, thank you very much.

XOXO,
J