J, Moments

Moments: We’re not bros

Hey y’all.

I’m sorry this post is so short but I got a message earlier and it made me hurl my phone at a wall, but my analysis was too long for an instagram post, so here I am. I promise I will bring you a more eloquent verbose degenerate post bright and early tomorrow morning about how I deflowered a man in Nashville last weekend. Wait, what? Who said that?

I’ve been chatting with Tennessee on Hinge for about a week now, and our conversation has been going pretty well – he gave me Nashville recommendations, he seems normal, and aside from one fairly nauseating message about “draining the swamp” (he works for a Republican congressman, it’s ok we all make mistakes), all has been well.

Until today.

There I was, minding my own business, when this message graced the screen of my rose gold iPhone 7*.

*Somewhere out there is a meme that says beware girls with rose gold iPhones because they will ruin your life and tbh it’s one of the truest things I’ve ever read, just behind “If he has an Android he’s a fuckboy”

The above messages reference that we both have roommates from Colorado #soulmates. Cool. The offending message, you may guess, it the most recent.

“I say we’re friends, but not total bros by any means. He doesn’t actively follow sports!!! He also just got a girlfriend”

I have two comments.

  1. Hey, Tennessee! Sports? I’ve heard of them! Didn’t know “actively following” was a clear prerequisite for “being total bros.” I’ll just see myself out.
  2. He just “got” a girlfriend? Like, acquired one, at the corner store? Like, “Hey, Tennessee, I just picked up that new Girlfriend-XJ800 from Target! I really just went for toothpaste, but you know how that store sucks you in!”
  3. Wait… so if you’re looking to “get” a girlfriend… will you lose all your bros? Because that’s what it’s sounding like. Alert your bros! Call the FBI! Call the HOA! Call the PTA!

Anyway now that I’m done complaining, I’m gonna go schedule a date with him.

Can someone please fill me in on sports things?


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