Hey. Hey, you. Yeah – you there, starfished on the couch, eyes as glazed over as the donut crumbs that have taken up residence on your shirt. You do realize that you’re not actually watching anything, and the Netflix “Are you there?” screen has been up for over an hour? You’re too lazy to get up and move the mouse? Well GET UP, BITCH, It’s New Year’s Eve and we’re going OUT!
We here at Tinder District (plus our visiting friend MK!) had a smashing New Year’s Eve as single ladies, but the night definitely did not go as planned. Today we’re here to share with you our expectations vs. reality in hopes that you come out a little bit more informed and significantly more entertained.
Expectation: Our masquerade masks lead to a ‘Cinderella Story’-style hunt by Chad Michael Murray to find us, the girls of his dreams, who he didn’t recognize because a fraction of our faces were covered.
Reality: The masks were annoying AF. They limited the number of drinks we could hold (MAJOR ISSUE) and were hot targets for rogue thieves throughout the bar. Only M escaped with her mask unscathed.
J had hers stolen by a guy she was making out with BEFORE midnight. He then told her that he worked at Geico and she ran away screaming “I kissed the gecko!!!” Good, J.
MK’s was tragically lost when M gave it to an envious onlooker and said “I think you should have this!” L abandoned her mask, just like she would a boy who is too nice, when she decided alcohol was more important that any mask. I approve of your life choices, L.
Expectation: Hordes of Calvin Klein models at our beck and call.
Reality: There WERE many attractive men, but we were with a group of guys, not making us the most obvious target. Thus, we took matters into our own hands. J, MK, and L approached a group of guys standing behind us, one of whom was wearing a “Happy New Year” tiara that the bar was handing out.
J: Hey I love your tiara!! Where did you get it?!
Dude: Uhh they’re handing them out – didn’t you see them?
J: No, I’ve never seen anything like that before!
D: Hahaha, you’re funny. I’m [name we have since forgotten], where are you guys from?
Bingo, bango, let’s go tango. (I’m so sorry for that sentence)
Expectation: A glamorous midnight kiss from the Prince Charming of our dreams, who would remain by our side for the remainder of the evening and sweep us off our feet.
Reality: Oh, god. Where do we even begin? This moment went according to plan for L, who scored aforementioned ‘Tiara Boy,’ but for the rest of us it was QUITE the adventure.
M, in her typical ‘can’t-keep-track-of-time’ fashion, didn’t even realize it was midnight until a very attractive gentleman swept her up in his arms and took her into a V-J Day-style kiss. How romantic! Which brings us to…
J, who had run away from gecko boy just minutes before midnight and was left with very little time to scout for new prospects, ended up in a kissing triangle with the boys we had came with – one of whom was gay, the other someone she had made out with on multiple occasions in college. GREAT START TO THE YEAR. Then she ran away, in typical Cinderella fashion (still looking for Chad Michael Murray!).
MK found love at the bar, when she ordered a vodka soda at the same time as the tall gentleman next to her. FATE. They locked eyes, Anderson Cooper started the countdown, and they shared one minute together before she realized none of her friends were anywhere to be found and came to look for us.
Safe to say that nothing went as planned, but we had an open bar, good friends, and an all-around good time. So, Happy New Year, everyone! I hope you all had a lovely New Year’s Eve and that 2016 brings you many more Tinder dates – I already have several lined up for this week, and can’t wait for them to let me down like I know they will!
J, L, M, and special guest MK