Context: J here! Back from another thotty weekend or two, spent with my little protégé and Baby Thot, S. I’m excited to bring you Lil S’s first guest post on TD, especially since it covers a very confusing and frankly concerning topic that I myself (and many other girls) have dealt with – men incorporating baby-making into foreplay. Take it away, S!
Hey y’all! Lil’ S here, the newest member of team THOT and mentee of your favorite Tinder aficionado, J.
Now, let’s be real – I am a lover of suggestive text messages, dirty talk, and all things that build a lil’ chemistry, but lately I’ve been seeing some trends in dudes’ flirting that honestly concern me. Now, the majority of time, Tinder broski’s stick to pretty basic shit*, but I have recently had two separate incidents of an alarming new flirtation method: Intention to Impregnate.
*See: Baseball Sex Puns. DUDES. If you ask if you can hit a home run with me, you’re about to strike out.
Let’s take a closer look.
Situation 1: Mid-coitus with a very drunk psychotic former frat boy/drug lord* whispering sweet nothings in my ear, such as “tell me you love me,” “tell me I’m the best you have ever had,” and “tell me that you’re mine” (LIKE A MURDERER). Now, these are all very scary things to hear during a one night stand (which ended up turning into many nights of stand), but then we hit the motherload: “I want to impregnate you.”
*Back story to come in a future blog post, don’t you worry your pretty little faces.
Literally. Of all the times to bring up your apparent burning desire to procreate, NOW?!?! What a deeply concerning thing to say to someone you are INSIDE OF.
Situation 2: Picture your perfect Tinder Social “lets mess with boys and leave them hanging” group situation, of course with none other than my girl J. Just us, three dudes with no clear relationship to each other, maybe met in a porn chat room or something, all making questionable conversation choices.
One boy, lets call him “West Virginia,” immediately took a strong liking to me. Amongst his many attempts at pursuing me such as “Pull up on ya boy” and “I wanna be yours” and “Put me on with yourself,”* the crème de la crème was “im finna make you a mom.” West Virginia say WHAAA?
*WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? WHAT DO THESE MEAN?!
Situation 3: Ok, J here, stepping in to show that it is not only Lil’ S’s kind eyes and large boobs that have guys thinking she’d make a great mom. I had this regular fuck buddy a couple months ago who once told me he should poke holes in our condoms to lock me down. I’m sorry, WHAT?! NO!!!! NO NO NO!!!! I’m young! I’m free! I don’t even want to be in a relationship, much less have a child! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Not that this stopped me from hooking up with him, but you better believe I started supplying my own condoms. Anyway, back over to Lil S!
So there you have it, three separate instances of boys thing that it would actually be a turn to let a girl know that they have an end game of knocking them up.
In case you’re not already aware of why this is the fucking weirdest thing ever, I’ll break it down for you:
- Who in their right mind would ever actually want an illegitimate child at this young age? Do boys just panic in bed and reference the first sex-related thing they can think of? Because yes, there is a direct correlation between sex and babies – but seriously? Also, why are you talking and not focusing on my hoo ha?
- OK, so let’s hypothetically say I wasn’t totally wigged out by a random dude’s interest in ruining my life. Guys – if a girl was down with the thought of getting pregnant young, unmarried, and poor, wouldn’t you be like “This chick is wack” or “This girl is just trying to take what little money I have?” BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE.
I have nothing more to say. I hate to sound basic, but I can’t even with y’all.
Next time, just tell me I’m pretty.