J: An open letter to the dates I’ve cancelled on

Hey, Jeff!

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I must cancel our date tonight. Yes, the one at 7. That you are already on your way to. That you rescheduled ‘Dude’s Night’ for. Sorry.

But, don’t worry! It’s not you! It’s me. It’s totally me. It’s just that, like, I’ve just gotten out of a really intense relationship, and I thought I was ready to jump back into dating, but I’m not. I’m just not.

…wait, scratch that. I’m a thot. Thots don’t catch feelings… Oh! Here we go. This could work *Coughs* You see, work has just been sooooo busy this week, and I need to stay in the office, like, super late.

What’s that? That’s fine? You can meet me near my place for dessert? Oh, fuck. You’re nice. Ugh.

No, you see the thing is, work is so busy that I have to stay at the office overnight. Yeah! I know! feel bad for me, too! Thank you for sympathizing.

Oh my god, are you seriously STILL texting me?! Dude, I told you I’m like, super busy right now. Rude.

*Sips wine, changes Netflix episode, spends two minutes swiping left on Tinder*

SUPER BUSY.

Oh, so now you want to know what I’m doing tomorrow? Or this weekend? Why do you even care, you cree- oooooohhh, you want to buy me dinner? Hm. Why am I cancelling this date again? Let’s see…

*25 minutes and two glasses of wine later*

Okay, sir. After a thorough review of the evidence, it has been revealed that you have committed one or more of the following crimes against humanity:
– Texted me more than three times in a row without a response;
– Taken a picture that can be classified as a ‘bathroom mirror selfie’ and may or may not have involved a popped collar;
– Recently posted a political tirade on Facebook; or
– Previously dated one of my friends/tangential acquaintances*, who said you have a small penis.

*ALL girls tell each other EVERYTHING. Everything. You’re never safe.

In addition to these crimes that you have committed, I regret to inform you that, while it is merely 15 minutes before our date is scheduled to begin, I am already seven hours into my pregame.

Wait – sorry – I mean I’m at work – no drinking – nope, not me – let’s forget I mentioned that. You know what? Let me start over.

*Drinks remaining wine out of bottle*

Hi, Jeff! Sorry to be the worst, but I totally forgot that I’m actually moving to Japan tomorrow and still need to pack and this can’t go anywhere anyway, but that’s fine because I’m still in love with my ex and you’re probably better off without me! Best of luck!!!!

*Block phone number*
*Unmatch on Tinder*
*Change identities*

Ahh, perfect. Finally, a quiet night to myself!

…25 minutes later…

Oh my god, I’m so lonely. Will I ever find someone to love me?

die

XOXO,
J

Leave a Reply