Welcome to my new blog series, Sunday Scaries, where I hide in the corner of my room and dread the fact that I have to work less than 24 hours from now while blogging about shit that happened this week. I have a date in 2 hours that I’m planning on walking to so I can pretend I’ve done some semblance of exercise today, so let’s dive in, shall we?
1. Finding love at Ben’s Chili Bowl
Friday kinda sucked so I was v excited when drinking o’clock rolled around and I could split a bottle of champagne with my friend R. After some
disturbingly aggressive light pregaming, we came to an impasse: R wanted to go to Nellie’s, while I wanted to go to El Rey. How would we ever overcome this friendship-ruining conflict?!
Answer: R agreed to come to El Rey for one drink, but made note that he would be leaving immediately thereafter so I had better find my love interest by then. Challenge accepted. R bought us drinks, and then I commenced on my speed dating adventure.
After talking to just about every guy in the bar, almost having drinks tossed on me by 2 guys’ girlfriends, and running into my ex, I decided to throw in the towel and go get drunk food. For whatever reason, I – the vegetarian – stepped into Ben’s Chili Bowl. Had I ever been there before? No. Was I about to drunk order a hotdog and then just pretend it never happened in the morning? Perhaps. I got in line and was perusing my options when the attractive man in front of me struck up conversation.
Now, the details on this next part are a bit fuzzy because I was
fucking wasted tipsy, but he ended up buying me a milkshake and I ended up bringing him back to my house. Good choices!! However, shortly after we got back to my place, he started making some off-color anti-women comments that I was not a fan of, so I kicked him out of my house. As you can imagine, this went less than well.
Dude – You can’t kick me out! I’m a veteran! I was in the Marines!
J – This is my house so I can kick you out and I am kicking you out please leave
D – I can’t believe you would DO this to me! Why are you so MEAN?!
J – Oh my god I would never want to be mean! Now that I see the error of my ways and my incredibly abrasive and mean personality you can absolutely sleep in my bed, stranger!
D – Lol wait really?
J – Fuck no you actually need to get out rn.
So I removed him from my house, went back to my room, cried, texted a bunch of friends and an unsuspecting Hinge match that I was crying, then fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning to 8 missed calls and the following HIGHLY ENTERTAINING string of text messages.
Just when I thought I had heard the end of Mr. Ben’s Chili Bowl, he tried to FaceTime me. When I rejected, he texted twice more.
D – Lol have no clue about last night
D – What’s your name anyway I’m actually just trying to puzzle everything together
Lesson learned: don’t go to Ben’s Chili Bowl if you’re vegetarian. The PETA gods will sense it and send their wrath down upon you.
2. Finance bros are the fucking worst
I was setting up to host trivia on Thursday when WHO SHOULD WALK IN and take my breath away but a group of 5 hot AF dudes. I immediately knew that I must either ruin their lives or allow them to ruin mine. #modernromance
I got to the end of round 1 and read the room the following bonus question.
How many billionaires are there in the world according to the 2016 Forbes list?
Banal enough, right? WRONG. When I said “Forbes” these guys all jizzed their pants. They were like, moaning, screaming, dancing around like monkeys, SO HYPE on Forbes. Forbes, so hot right now. My resolve was shaken slightly, but we could work through this. Anything for
lots of money love.
After trivia wrapped up, I saw my opportunity. They were sitting right next to the speaker I needed to dismantle, opening the perfect chance for me to casually ask them why they were so hype on Forbes. However, as I got close, their conversation threw me.
Bro 1 – Stocks! Bonds!
Bro 2 – Divesture! It’s a bull market! It’s a bear market!
Bro 3 – And then I told her, “Sandy, honey, Goldman doesn’t pay me $150k so that I can get my own coffee.”
Bro 1 – I hate it when people just don’t understand synergies.
Needless to say I took down that speaker and ran away without a word to those guys. Bye felicias.
3. Off the Vine Podcast
I’m sure you’ve heard by now that they chose a random old guy to be the Bachelor this season, which I’m only mildly upset about because let’s be real I watched Nick Viall’s season and he’s the scum of the earth. How could it get worse?
Anyway, I blacked out on a Wednesday a couple weeks ago and tried to buy Emily Maynard’s Bachelorette season on Amazon to figure out what this guy is all about. Fiscal responsibility at its finest. Long story short I ended up accidentally buying Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season and binge watching it in a week. I’M FINE. This ended up being the best mistake ever because I got to stare at Shawn Booth and Ben Higgins and cry about how pathetic my own love life is.
ANYWAYYYY I also got hooked on Kaitlyn’s podcast, Off The Vine, which is hysterical and the perfect thing to keep me entertained while I stand awkwardly on the Metro trying to decide if it’s better to stare at the floor the whole time or to risk accidentally making eye contact with someone. I highly recommend!
Anyway that’s all the time I have! Wish me luck on this coffee date that will probably suck and I don’t even get free booze out of it. Let me know all the shit that happened to you this week in the comments!