Hello hello it’s Sunday! The scariest day of the week. It’s 4 PM and I’m still recovering from last night, when my friend A and I attended a murder mystery party, ended up having a mini photoshoot in a stranger’s bathtub, and I brought home a new lover who was visiting from Seattle. Leaving the party without telling A was, as it turns out, a mistake:
Life hack: find you a best friend who gets pissed if you leave a party without a man.
Anyway, I’m too hungover to function and it’s dreary AF outside so let’s recap all the shit that happened this week that didn’t merit its own post, shall we?
1. You don’t look like your pictures
I had been chatting with a dude for a while on Hinge and we finally arranged to grab drinks on Wednesday at Nazca Mochica, a chic Peruvian restaurant in Dupont. I had been going back and forth about whether I thought he was cute based on his pictures, so I showed his profile around at dinner on Saturday. My friends were also torn, but my friend R noticed something a little bit off.
R – I don’t know, J, in this picture it looks like he has a saggy titty.
R was right. The titty did look saggy. However, it wasn’t like I had anything else planned for Wednesday night, so I went on the date.
Upon meeting this man, I knew that R must totally have ESPN or something, because he was much larger than his photos had led me to believe. Classic. We sidled into spots at the bar, ordered our drinks, and I began my mission to make him hate me.
Date – Wow, you’ve been in the area a long time, you must love DC!
J – No I hate it I’m actively trying to move to Nashville.
D – …oh?
J – I mostly like hosting trivia because I get to meet all the bar staff and managers. I love being able to get free drinks it’s one of my favorite hobbies.
D – *surveys the three empty drink glasses in front of me* oh… haha, that never works for me!
J – Yeah, it’s a girl thing.
D – I mean, you’d think my man boobs were big enough that I’d be able to at least get something!
J – HA. HAHAHAHA. HAHAHA. HA!!!! *cries silently*
D – As someone who’s been to Peru before, I’m surprised you don’t have the classic “basic girl” picture in front of Huaynu Picchu on your profile.
J – Yeah, well, I was brunette then, and I’m blonde now. WOULDN’T WANT TO CATFISH ANYONE BY USING OLD PICTURES, NOW WOULD I?! *menacingly stares into date’s soul*
We ended up closing down the restaurant because I can’t ever shut the fuck up. He paid and I hugged him as limply as possible before running towards
my house Safeway at a fast clip – I hadn’t eaten and food in my house was scarce. After piling my arms high with frozen food from the “Meals for One” aisle (fucking kill me), my cashier asked why I looked so angry.
J – It’s just, I just went on a bad first date and I’m concerned that I’ll never find love!!!
Cashier – I’ve never actually been on a date.
J – Never…?
C – Nah, girl. I’ve been waiting for you my whole life.
FUCKING PHENOMENAL, MY SOULMATE IS A SAFEWAY CASHIER.
To finish the night, I turned to Siri for advice while eating my Amy’s Palak Paneer in bed.
Thanks, Siri. If you need me, I’ll be checking hands for wedding bands at the Georgetown Apple store.
2. I’m still matching with 90 year olds on Tinder
A couple weekends ago, I was
being ratchet hanging out with my friend A and made the mistake of letting her play with my Tinder. She responded by changing my age range to 50+ and swiping indiscriminately. Hilarity ensued, with one highlight, a sweet old man named Lou, below:
Lou is literally my grandfather and the fact that he would speak like this makes me want to cry, the end. PS will someone PLEASE buy me a boat?!
3. Sunday Funday got weird
Speaking of making bad life choices by giving A full control of my phone! I was with A and KA at Jackpot this past Sunday, fully focused on flirting my way into free drinks and in no way paying attention to the fact that A was ruining my life at a fast clip. By texting my best friend…
The man I had the honor of deflowering* when I was in Nashville…
*Just realized I still need to write this post. Get ready, kids.
An old coworker…
…and finally, a guy I’ve been on a couple dates with who is currently spending a year (and hopefully the rest of his life) abroad.
Admittedly a witty response but I still hate you, bye.
Ok y’all, a guy just messaged me to say that he “loves living in Ballston” so I need to go to the gym and resist the urge to physically hurt him. Here’s hoping your Monday isn’t fucking terrible!!!