J, Sunday Scaries

Sunday Scaries #3

Holy HELL how is is 11 PM on a Sunday? I have accomplished almost nothing this weekend and it is only slightly correlated to the fact that I slept until noon today, cancelled a Flywheel class, and then spent the entirety of the day watching Gossip Girl* and SNL. Wow, what an exciting life I lead!!

*I feel like this is bad, but when the allegations about Ed Westwick being a sexual predator surfaced, my initial thought was “omg this is so terrible I always knew Chuck Bass was a sleaze” and my next thought was “wow I miss Gossip Girl I should probably re-watch the series” and now here we are. I’m just a dedicated binge watcher with a hangover and a dream.

Before we launch back into another work week, let’s cover all the shit that happened this week, shall we?

1. Sunday is now officially a day for try-hards

Part of why I waited until so late to write this post is because I am disgustingly lazy was waiting to see where a Hinge convo with this gentleman would go. The answer? Well, you’ll have to see for yourself!

This guy first messaged me on Wednesday night when I was hosting trivia, indicating that we had matched before a couple times and he wanted to finally meet up. I figure I’ve matched with every man in DC on some app at this point, but I didn’t recall this incredibly average-looking gent, so I ignored him.

My interest piqued by his talk of miracles, I finally spoke.

WHAT. ON. EARTH. Now I don’t expect everyone to be a Chopped contestant, but really dude? Adding 2 things didn’t work so you added 4 more things at random and hoped for the best? Smh. I’m telling your mom.

After receiving this paragraph, my friend A and I were excited to see what other novels we could get out of him, so we sent some bait.

HOLY HELL, STEVE. What are you doing, buddy? Where are you finding the time to type out these responses? I hope he still has a flip phone and is doing this all in T9 – that would be hella impressive.

Also, when in doubt, always hit em with a “Sports! I’ve heard of them?” Works every time.

I still had questions, so I continued on.

Here’s the part where Steve dead ass sends me an email with his movie tracking spreadsheet. I kind of wish I was joking, but I’m also glad I’m not. See below:

I can’t.

And, for Steve’s final act, I put the nail in the coffin by insulting his movie taste (truly appalling).

Bye, Steve. Have fun with your movies. Oh, and for one last too much do less moment, check out this winner:

I sincerely hope he just goes through his Bumble once a week and copies and pastes these messages to everyone. You never know when desperation will strike!

2. Best OK Cupid messages this week

In a similar vein, below are the best OK Cupid messages I received this week:

Send help.

3. I am the actual worst at using phones

Saturday night I was at a birthday party at Hawthorne where I knew exactly two people, which always means I’m sure to ruin someone’s life and it will likely be mine. My friend T, knowing my perpetual thirst, introduced me to his cute tall friend, Charlie. Charlie and I started talking and were hitting it off, so when my friends let me know we were leaving to go to the Park, he gave me his number. This is when I found out his name was actually Kyle, not Charlie, and a) I am a damn fool and b) he is a very good sport for letting me call him Charlie all night and still buying me drinks.

While we were in the Uber, I sent Kyle/Charlie a text to let him know that I had enjoyed meeting him and that he should let me know the next time he’s in town. Then I put my phone away, consumed more vodka sodas than any human should, and found myself in bed at 3 AM, chowing down on Indian food and still without a response.

I was rehashing this story to my friend S over dinner today when I pulled up my phone and realized that I hadn’t sent these texts to the right person at all. I had accidentally sent them to a different Kyle who I hooked up with a couple months ago and then decided never to speak to again after he did yoga on my yoga mat without asking (Like WTF SIR THIS IS UNSANITARY). There is a chance! So, I texted Real Kyle…

…and he still hasn’t responded. This world is cold and cruel. Well, on to the next!

4. Tinder is becoming even creepier

Tinder announced this week that they’re adding new features that will “blur the lines between the physical and digital dating world.” I’m not entirely sure what this means, but I’m pretty sure Robin Thicke ruined the phrase “Blurred Lines” for all of us back in 2013 when I was blacking out at beach week, so they should probably re-phrase. Also, what features are these? Holograms? Video chat? Could it… could it be a phone call feature? Groundbreaking.

Tbh this isn’t that surprising because old people are always like “I just want to have a phone call with Jimmy before I meet him to make sure he’s normal and who he says he is!” Well, not sure how much you know about phone calls, but unless they’re like an actual gorilla you probably won’t be able to tell if they’re catfishing you solely based on their voice. Also, being on the phone with someone you don’t know at all/might want to sleep with is pretty weird. I’ve had one date do it, 4 minutes before our date was scheduled to begin, and our conversation went something like this:
Date: Hey, J?
J – …yes?
D – Just wanted to let you know, I’m inside the restaurant.
J – Oh, cool… I’m almost there.
D – Cool.
J –
D – See you soon then!

This is also a guy who suffered a mental breakdown when attempting to rehearse a stand-up comedy act on our second date, though, so I guess I’m not incredibly surprised.
D – Ok, can I rehearse my monologue for you?
J – Sure! *staring expectantly*
D – You’re making me too nervous! I’ll just go practice in the bathroom.
*5-6 minute interlude during which time I cry and text all my friends to come rescue me*
D – Ok, I’m ready!

He then said one sentence of his monologue, I nodded along, and he stopped short with a very flustered countenance.
D – Why didn’t you laugh?! I KNEW you would hate it!
J – *downs drink in one gulp*

There was not a third date.

Ok guys, I’m tired AF so I’m gonna hit the hay. What weird shit happened to you this week? Let me know in the comments!


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