Ciao betches! This Sunday ain’t so scary because I’m in Italy (or, more specifically, the Frankfurt airport) and don’t have to work for another week. HOLLA. Although I did throw up on the plane (and in a Jumbo Jimmy’s bathroom – walking disaster, party of one) because I went a lil’ too hard at Soundcheck on Friday night. Happens.
I also spent the majority of my flight crying because the dickhole in front of me decided it was appropriate to lay his seat all the way back for the duration of the 7 hour trek, spilling my wine (unforgivable), crushing my legs and diverting my view from my tv screen to the top of his balding head. UGH. WHY do people* think it’s okay to do this?! To top it all off, my armrest was broken and wouldn’t raise, so the combination of this and my complete lack of room meant I had to perform grand acrobatic feats to leave my seat. Lufthansa, wyd.
*And by people, I mean men. Only men do this. Men are the worst.
Flight horror story aside, I’m in Europe! Yay! And the men are SO hot. Can’t wait to marry one, move to Italy, create a reality show called “Til Death Do Us Pasta” and never return to the US.
Also, please check out the comment my mom left on my Facebook status today. LOVE her.
Anyway, in shit that happened this week news, we have the following:
- Fuckboys are alive and well, in case you were wondering
On Thursday night I was laying in bed, minding my own damn business, when a random guy I matched with on Coffee Meets Bagel texted me.
Ugh. I had exchanged maybe 6 messages with this guy and he hadn’t yet attempted to set up a date, so this booty call was entirely unwanted. I tried to set him straight…
And he responded in the most fuckboy way possible. Good Ian. I responded by turning on my read receipts and not responding. Better luck next time!
2. OkCupid message of the week
My wish is to not be reminded that we have a cranky toddler for a President every time I check Twitter aka any time I’m alone in public and trying to pretend that I have friends by staring at my phone.
3. I saw Iliza Shlesinger!!!
My one true idol, Iliza Shlesinger, made her DC debut at the DC Improv this past Thursday, and when I found out she was performing I was like NO PRICE IS TOO HIGH and immediately bought tickets with my friend M. My love for Iliza is strong, beginning all the way back in July 2016…
It was my one-year anniversary of my first job out of college (RIP), so my friend/coworker A and I had planned a day of activities. We began with a boozy brunch at my friend C’s house, a barbecue at some frat bro I knew from college’s house, and then a booze cruise with our coworkers where I drank a full bottle of champagne I didn’t need and took a shotski with strangers. Functional.
Once A and I had returned to my apartment in Clarendon (RIP), we had texted our friend K to come over, and then I set my phone in my room to charge and returned to the living room to watch stand up with A, K and K’s friend who was visiting from Kansas City. We blew threw a Nikki Glaser special, then turned on the recommended Iliza special. Holy cow. I was so inspired by the way she turned things that we all experience into verbal and physical humor, I decided right then and there that I needed to get into stand up.
Leaving my friends, I dove into my room and grabbed my phone, texting a friend who did stand up that I wanted to join him. He didn’t respond within 35 seconds, so I texted the guy I had recently stopped dating to let him know. His response came immediately.
MM – Haha, that’s great, J! What are you gonna talk about?
J – I’m going to talk about the time I took Plan B!
MM – That’s… interesting! Was that with me? Or…
J – I have LOTS of stories! In fact, you can read them all right here, on TinderDistrict.com!
With that I set my phone down, returned to my friends, ended up making out with both K AND his friend while each other were in the bathroom, and at some point blacked out.
I woke up in my bed the next morning fully clothed, makeup still on, like any responsible young ratchet. I felt my phone vibrate under my pillow and remembered that I had brunch plans.
J – Oh, that must be MC checking to make sure we’re still on for El Centro at 1! Ahh, what a weird dream that I told MM about the blog! I would NEVER do that!!
Oh contraire, little J. To my horror, MM had texted me.
MM – Hey, I’m reading your blog at work.
J – NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
J – *jumps off nearest bridge*
MM – It’s really funny. You’re a great writer!
Bless. Your. Soul. Luckily, this set MM and I on course to be best friends, and I have Iliza Shlesinger to thank. She’s now left DC, but keep an eye out for her next Netflix special coming out later this year!
OK Y’ALL, I’m gonna go hit the slopes because I’m now in the Italian Alps (oh? has it taken me 4 days to write this post? casual). Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving, so if you need some help navigating holiday conversation, check out my incredibly helpful guide. Catch ya on Friday with some Fake News!