Hello! Merry Christmas Eve! And if you do not celebrate Christmas, Merry Sunday-that-isn’t-scary because I’m assuming you don’t have work tomorrow. If you do, maybe re-evaluate your job choice? Just a thought.
It’s been almost a month since my last Sunday Scaries post, and for this I am sorry, please for give me, I have been very
drunk busy. You understand, don’t you?
I will say that, so far as Sundays go, this one isn’t very scary at all. I’ve spent the whole day wrapping presents, baking Christmas goodies,
doing my parents’ bidding grocery shopping and straightening up the house, watching The Holiday and lamenting the fact that Jude Law is not my husband. Look how good I am at Christmas things!
Let’s dive into the scariest shit that’s happened this past month, shall we?
1. This weird Tinder guy who wanted a make out buddy
Every once in a while you come across one of those Tinder bios that makes you truly, deeply uncomfortable all the way to your core. That being said, meet Colin.
Colin, the world’s only 31-year-old on Tinder who’s only trying to get to 3rd base. Nice. Naturally, I had to figure out what this guy was all about.
I’ll take “has this response in his notes and copy/pastes to every girl he matches with” for $500, Alex.
Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), my return from Italy left me feeling tired and under the weather, so when Tuesday came around I wasn’t too keen to meet up.
Oh? So you were going to do this… sober? This fucking guy.
Anyway, Colin returned to Philly, I moved on with my life, and all was normal until I received another message from him a few weeks later asking if I would still be interested in exchanging playful snapchats. I was heading over to my friend A’s house to make lasagna and figured this would be a fun activity for us while we cooked, so I sent him my username. The first picture came in, and I waited to open it until I got to A’s apartment so she could get a picture and he wouldn’t get a screenshot notification. After much waiting and fanfare, I eagerly opened the snap with A’s camera hovering over my left shoulder, and was greeted with… a picture of his face. UGH. How rude.
Whatever, I could play along. I responded, and he sent me ANOTHER PICTURE OF HIS FACE. Where is the excitement, Colin? Where are the photos I can use as blackmail and post on the internet?! Frustrated, I tried to coax him with eloquence.
J – Show me your dick
Colin delivered. Sir, thank you for your service. Sorry for taking a screenshot. Even more sorry for not deleting the screenshot after you asked me to, and after I told you that I did. You’re WELCOME for not posting it on the Internet.
2. I’ve been cancelling all my dates because I’ve given up on love
I’ve honestly been on all of one date this month (two, if you count when I met a guy at a pregame and went one-for-one with him at H Street Country Club before we embarrassed all of our friends by making out in public) because every time I’m supposed to go on one I think about how awful it could be, then I cancel. I’m a winner.
I did recently go on a very good first date at Rebellion that ended with a nice kiss and an invitation to go on a second a few days later. I agreed in the moment, but then while I was dozing off to sleep that night I kept remembering that I spent the last 30 minutes of the date wishing I had my spoolie to brush his eyebrows. In my brain, if you spend 1/4 of the date thinking about your date’s eyebrows, you probably shouldn’t go on a second. So I cancelled it and went to trivia at Franklin Hall with my friends instead.
You may be saying to yourself, this is fine, J! Take some time off! Support and nurture your friendships! And thank you, kind friends. I appreciate it. But sometimes the Internet decides to remind me of my mortality. When I went to trivia after cancelling the aforementioned date, we had a great time and ended up winning! I excitedly posted the outcome on my Insta story, not realizing my actions would upset a man named Yisheng.
Yisheng, you have a lot of balls for someone who comments on almost every one of my pictures some variation of “Do you have a boyfriend?” or “If I saw you on Tinder, I would swipe right” despite literally not knowing me at all.
Also, if you want to discuss how worried you are about my marital status, I would suggest reaching out to my mother. I’m sure y’all would have a great chat.
Anyway I’m hoping to actually go on dates in 2018 lol pray for me!!
3. Cuffing season is still in full swing as evidenced by these ghosts of fuckboys past
Remember a couple Sunday Scaries ago when I mentioned that I had met a hot guy named
Charlie Kyle at Hawthorne, texted him after I left the bar, been heartbroken when I didn’t receive a response, then realized I texted the wrong Kyle? Yeah. Well, turns out Wrong Kyle is alive and well after all!
I also got a notification this morning that he added me on Snapchat. Kyle, what game are you playing? Please advise.
Alas, Kyle’s not the only one. There’s also Matt…
I appreciate the persistence, boys. Here, I’ll be vulnerable and show my own incredibly embarrassing failed attempt at reconnecting with West Virginia.
In case you were wondering, he never responded. And yes, I have a lot of shame, but no regret. I got the answer I needed!
Well, that’s all the weird shit I have for you today, friends. I’ve got a tentative date scheduled between now and New Years that should be pretty interesting given the lead-up (guy had been trying to set up a date with me when I ran into him at a holiday party and he had another date, hilarity ensued). I’ll keep you posted!
Also, Merry freaking Christmas! I hope Santa gets you something nice. I hope your ghosts of fuckboys past stay far the fuck away. And if you were hoping to be the first person to wish me Merry Christmas, then you’re too late. A guy who I stopped dating literally 7+ months ago and is currently in Bulgaria texted me at 12:01 AM BST* so you’re already late to the party.
*Bulgarian Standard Time, I know this is wrong but I truly don’t care enough to Google the correct time zone. Also, thanks for boosting my ego by letting me know I’m still front of mind!