Hi! Hello! Happy New Year*! How was your New Year’s Eve?
*I’m aware it’s not Sunday, but I sure am scared.
In comparison to 2015 (fell down the stairs at Public, made out with a guy who worked for Geico and ran through the bar screaming “I KISSED THE GECKO!!!”, my roommate threw up in an Uber) and 2016 (blacked out before I got to the bar, tried to leave Orange Anchor* before midnight, called an Uber and then got into a taxi), last night was positively lovely!
I had two friends over for a little Italian spread of caprese salad, bruschetta, charcuterie, and cream puffs, then headed to a house party in Logan Circle before spending midnight at another party in my neighborhood. Aside from my friend making out with my sworn enemy from college (UGH) and me texting “Happy New Year to your fantastic dick” to an old hookup (WHY?!) everything was relatively uneventful! Wonder how long that will last?
*I just went to hyperlink to Orange Anchor and found out they’re permanently closed, GOOD RIDDANCE *waving emoji*
While my New Year’s eve was uneventful, this week sure had its share of entertaining surprises. Let’s begin, shall we?
1. Can we please stop sending unsolicited dick pics in 2018? PLEASE?!
My roommate had four of his frat brothers visiting for New Years, and on Friday night I made the bold decision to accompany them to Mad Hatter. Did I promise myself I would never go back to Mad Hatter after my 23rd birthday? Yes, absolutely. Is anyone surprised that I broke this promise, given my track record of extraordinarily poor decisions? Absolutely not.
Anyway, after guessing a guy’s name to make him buy me a shot, partaking heavily in my roommate’s hat*, a literal 20-year-old buying me an IPA, one of my roommate’s friends buying me a G&T, and then being offered some of a college friend’s hat**, I was down for the count. My friends sent me home in an Uber, and I didn’t wake up until 1 PM the next day. At least my bank account was happy that I slept through brunch?
*If you’ve never had the pleasure of going to Mad Hatter, a “hat” is just a glass hat full of various types of liquor and sugar that doesn’t taste like alcohol at all but will literally end you.
**Writing this sentence hurt me physically.
Anyway, once I was able to stomach water, my goal immediately became to convince a guy to bring me ginger ale. I texted a guy who I know lives near me to ask if he would, and in response he sent me a VIDEO. OF. HIS. DICK. WHY?!?!?! The entire point of this exercise was to stop me from throwing, up, not exacerbate it!!! SMDH. Ugh. I hate everyone.
I will not send you anything. I will throw up on you. Bye.
Also, can we please make #stopunsoliciteddickpics a sub-campaign to the #metoo movement because it’s a REAL ISSUE that doesn’t get enough attention. Who’s with me?!
2. I said no to a date with a guy and he told me to “get over myself” which is definitely rational and fair.
Remember last Sunday Scaries when I said I had a tentative date with a guy before New Years? Well, here’s what happened there:
December 3: Match with Manager from my old company on Tinder. Begin chatting. Try to set up a date, never decide on anything, both sides fade.
December 9: Attend my old company’s holiday party. During a conversation with a partner, spot Manager out of the corner of my eye. Nudge my friend A.
J – I matched with that guy on Tinder!
A – Oh, I know him! He’s friends with my ex!
J – Should I make things awkward for him and his date?
A – YES.
With the encouragement of my fellow bad human A, I approached Manager.
J – Hey, you’re C, right?
C – Yeah…?
J – I think we met on Social Media!
C – *blank stare*
J – I’m J, we matched on Tinder, remember?
C – Ohhhh…. oh! Um… yeah!
J – Well, nice to meet you! *looks at his date* Have fun, you two!
And there I left them, in astonished, awkward silence, as I returned to the bar for another glass of wine. I thought this would be the last I would ever hear from Manager… until I woke up the next morning to a text from him.
Hmmm. “Play by ear after that ha ;p” translates DIRECTLY to “I’m a 31-year-old douchebag who’s trying to take advantage of this little 24-year-old girl!” so I was immediately interested in seeing how I could play this.
Ah, good! Glad you want to meet up with me but don’t care at all to chat before so we can learn about each other’s interests, personalities and senses of humor! That doesn’t sound at all like you’re just trying to hook up! And, y’all, this guy was red flags at every turn. When I reached out closer to the date, we had this lovely exchange:
10 PM on a Tuesday is too late for a first date, C, literally what are you doing?! YOU’RE 31!!!
Finally, we settled on Friday after work. He suggested Grand Cru in Ballston, I asked him to choose somewhere in DC because it wouldn’t make sense for me to go to Arlington, and his response was… well, see for yourself.
C – Do you like German beer? If you do, we should go to Saufhaus in Dupont, it’s a cute little Biergarten.
Um. No. Saufhaus is not a cute little Biergarten. It is an absolute shitshow that I love and cherish deeply and is always my first choice if I feel like drinking a giant beer or falling off a table. But the age gap had become apparent. I needed to end this.
Ok, let me add to my earlier statement – we’re stopping unsolicited dick pics AND gaslighting in 2018. No room for that kind of toxicity. Good luck on Tinder, C!
3. Apparently ‘self-aware fuckboy’ is a thing now, send help.
Imagine you’re laying in bed on a Sunday night, scrolling through Tinder, when you come across this bio:
Umm, you okay, Beau? Did you write your bio, or did one of your friends steal your phone and change it while you were taking a shit? I needed answers. Luckily, Beau was ready to deliver.
A “reprehensible shit.” Interesting definition, Beau. Well, no time like the present to invent a sociological study and see what could happen!
Oof. Sorry about your mommy issues, Beau.
For those of you who don’t know what reprehensible means, let’s do a little googling:
Reprehensible (adj): Deserving censure or condemnation. Syn: deplorable, disgraceful, despicable, repugnant.
Let’s all hope that Beau spends some time working on himself in 2018. #prayersforBeau
Okay y’all, I’m off to Whole Foods to stock up on wine and cheese for the Bachelor premiere! Make sure you come back tomorrow to check out the Tinder District recap of the first episode, and have a wonderful rest of your January 1st! Cheers to all the fun, laughter and shenanigans that 2018 has in store.