How was your week? Did you stay indoors the whole time to avoid the bomb cyclone, emerging only for wine and cheese? Great! Same! Then you’ll understand why this week’s post is almost entirely screenshots, because while I did not have the will to leave my house, I absolutely used the extra free time I would usually spend doing things like “walking” to troll fuckboys. Let’s dive in!
1. I’m still trolling people on Hinge and I refuse to be stopped
Hinge trolling continues! Roll the tapes.
I ruined a guy’s dog’s name for him…
This one – I don’t even know. Why would you put this on your Hinge profile?! Also, your name is Jack, so I wish you the worst.
And hopefully contributed to some sort of life crisis for this 35-year-old man.As you can imagine, I didn’t get many responses to these answers. It’s fine, I’m fine. However, there was one many who matched me and answered me back almost immediately – let’s call him K.
K was 33 years old and had a picture wearing his Duke football uniform, aka is a fuckboy living in the past. PERFECT. After his… disturbing initial response, I turned the weird way up.
Yep, everyone from Duke IS the worst! Thanks, K, for confirming the hypothesis formed by so many others before you, most notably Grayson Allen. When I posted a snippet of this conversation on Instagram, the comments did not let me down.
I love the internet.
2. Instagram found the new best way to ruin a guy’s life
If you’re as obsessed with memes* as I am, you may have seen this gem floating around Instagram this week:
*If you are, you should follow TinderDistrict! I only post the dankest memes, promise.
I was at work until about 9 PM on Wednesday, so I went to my friend A’s house immediately thereafter to dive into some wine and trashy Netflix and try this bit out myself (on the guy who sent me a video of his dick when I asked him to bring me ginger ale). The results were everything I wanted and so much more.
And think about me nonstop he has:
Here’s hoping this will teach him to stop sending unsolicited dick vids!
…but, knowing men, it probably won’t. *facepalm emoji*
3. A lil’ dating advice for your Sunday
When I started dating in DC, I really thought I could make someone change. Even if they were only looking for a hookup, if we hung out and they got to know me, they could change their mind, right?! I’m a great girlfriend! I cook and bake and go to the gym with you and can hold my liquor and make a great beer pong partner! They’d be crazy to ghost after we hooked up!
It took only a
whole fucking year little while to determine that this was not, in fact, the case. If a guy’s Tinder bio says that he’s only looking for something casual, he’s only looking for something casual. If a guy tries to/succeeds in getting into your pants on the first date, that’s probably all he wants. There are exceptions to these rules, of course, but as a general rule of thumb, you’re not going to be able to change a guy’s intentions.
I have a very good friend who’s been struggling with this (as we all have). She’s trapped in this dilemma between wanting to have sex every weekend and also wanting to be in a relationship where she’s treated well and respected. Her response to this has been to go on “dates” that are really just inviting guys to her house and hooking up with them. They plan a second date, the man leaves, just to never be heard from again.
Now, as you can imagine (and probably have experienced), this is a tough blow on one’s self-confidence. You get trapped in a cycle of “oh, what did I do wrong? Am I not pretty enough? Is there someone else who’s better than me?” First of all, y’all, NO. This is absolutely not the case. You are a wonderful earth-bound goddess who works so hard, spends so much on makeup and tampons and balayage and skincare, and deserves the world. Let’s just make that clear.
The reasons for this are twofold:
1. A lot of guys just really, truthfully aren’t looking to settle down. In this case, not even Adriana Lima could get them to change their mind. Especially in large cities like DC and New York where college-educated women outnumber men* almost 2:1 (and more than 2:1 when you account for the gay population), men who would typically not be able to be “players” are afforded this ability because they have so many more options. Combined with the increasing age of first marriage, we are seeing an increase in guys still playing the field in their late 30s, which is INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING but just know that it’s not your fault!
2. With the rise of dating apps, the way we date has fundamentally changed. Where people once had to go out, find a potential partner, get their number, etc, we now each have a pocketful of potential dates**. Tinder notified me today that my profile has been right-swiped 10,000 times in 2018. That’s a CRAZY number. So (and this goes for both genders) if you’re out on an early date with a guy and he doesn’t check every box you’re looking for, you could keep going out with him… or you could keep swiping until you find someone who better fits your criteria. People don’t think that they need to settle, so they don’t.
*If you would like to read more about the role gender ratios play in dating, I highly recommend picking up Date-onomics by Jon Birger. It’s a great book and SO interesting!
**This is the one insightful topic I talk about in my upcoming episode on the Finding Love podcast, everything else is just me babbling about dates I’ve been on so obviously it’s a must-listen.
The moral of the story is that you can’t change someone, and by trying to change them you will only end up exhausting and hurting yourself. Instead, make your intentions and needs clear – don’t sleep with a guy on the first date if you want to date him long term, be wary of red flags in bios that indicate he’s only looking for something casual, and make sure you communicate openly. It will make things SO much better, I promise!
On the real, I’ve been through a lot in the last 2.5 years (um… SOS) so if you ever have a dating question or need to vent, feel free to DM or email me and I’ll respond ASAP. I’m here for y’all!
PHEW, that was a lot of serious talk that I really didn’t expect to get into when I started writing this post! I’m gonna go scroll through some memes like the garbage human I am and hit the hay. See you bright and early Tuesday with your Bachelor recap, betches!