Hello hello! Happy Martin Luther King Jr Day! I hope you have off work today, otherwise (once again) consider changing jobs? Just a thought.
Sunday Monday scaries time again, and boy am I ready to have some structure in my life again. Like, never happy for the weekend to end, but I need someone to drag me tf out of my thot cave room and give me something to do that’s not binge New Girl for 14 straight hours. IT’S NOT A PROBLEM UNTIL YOU SAY IT’S A PROBLEM.
…anyway. Here’s all the shit that happened this week!
1. I have a black eye and only myself to blame
One of my best friends turned 25 yesterday! So exciting. We celebrated her life on Saturday night with a boujee-ass birthday dinner at Farmers & Distillers, a Drake on Cake I whipped up, and a pregame at her apartment* before heading to Hamilton.
*Complete with a whole host of sparkly decorations that I haphazardly tossed into my cart at Target while actively trying not to purchase everything in the damn store. Why yes, I DO need 97 new decorative mugs with clever sayings on them! Gimme!!
…or, should I say, MOST of the group went to Hamilton, while I opted to head to a different apartment to attend a party my trivia co-host had told me about. Showing up empty-handed and knowing exactly one person at the party is always a great way to make a first impression, but I further bolstered my reputation by
being alright at absolutely dominating Slap Cup. This (plus the TITS OUT FOR THE BOYS bodysuit I was wearing) helped me garner the attention of a few gentlemen – but the one I wanted eluded me. He was tall, probably Jewish, light-eyed, and baby-faced, aka my perfect match. My competitive side kicked in, and I finally cornered him on a couch.
J – So, what do you do?
Boy – Oh, I just graduated from GW in December! I’m about to move to Missouri to join the Army.
J – FUCK.
Foiled. Not willing to accept defeat, I turned my attention to the next best thing – a tall, built blond who I’d established a rapport with during Slap Cup. This go-around was much more successful, he got my number, and I actually have a date with him in… 2 hours!
Mission accomplished, I called my drunk ass an Uber home, changed into pajamas, and was leaving my room to head to the bathroom when I tripped over thin air. My whole life flashed before my eyes as I spiraled towards the ground, whacking the right side of my face against my shoe rack. Shoes tumbled around me as I lay there, waiting for death.
After 2 seconds when I realized my injuries weren’t fatal, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, brushed my teeth, and crawled gingerly into bed. The next morning I opened Snapchat* and confirmed the worst – black eye. And eyebrow. And a cut on my forehead. So, three cheers to concealer!
*Getting up and looking in the mirror thats 5 feet from my bed is entirely too much to ask when there’s a front-facing camera available.
2. Alexa is offering dating advice now and I’m absolutely taking it
I was at the gym on Sunday, checking my phone in denial that I had to do another set of lat pulldowns, when I got a very promising email. Three Day Rule, a matchmaking service that leverages technology to bring matchmaking into the modern era, has paired up with Amazon to share a dating tip every day from January 14 – February 13 in order to help you find a date by Valentine’s Day.
Finding that this was the perfect excuse to not do more lat pulldowns, I raced excitedly back home to listen to the tip for Day 1.
“Swiping fatigue is real. The average online dater spends 12 hours on online dating sites per week. For the next 30 days, choose one app to use, and commit. Reach out to anyone you find interesting, and try to meet up in person sooner rather than later.”
Ok, one app. I could do this. Per consultation with my friend A, I chose to go with Bumble, filed the rest away in a folder on my last page of apps called “Open on Feb 15” and turned off notifications.
*When I posted this picture on my Instagram story, the responses I got were either “The League is absolute garbage” (HARD AGREE) or “Wait, you’re Jewish?!” (no, just love me any boy named Josh).
Having committed fully to Bumble, I got to swiping, setting a goal to match with and message 10 people before heading to yoga. This swipefest was a reminder of why I’ve gotten so frustrated with Bumble in the past. Some gems include:
…Cody, you realize that living for the “I told you so” moments means that you’re hoping other people fail so you look better? K.
Walker! You psychic devil! How did you know that this is the exact hand motion I make when I see that a guy is a “Founder” or an “Entrepreneur”?? Wow.
But, I did find some gems… and one guy seemed to good to be true. So, I opened the conversation just like any girl who’s been catfished before would.
And, later, convinced him to take a selfie holding a piece of paper with my name on it so I could make sure he was real. What? Can’t be too careful!
He sent me a selfie and we have a date Wednesday. Yay for assuming people are bots!
Anyway, I’ll be doing individual recaps of every day’s dating tip, so keep an eye out for Day 2 later today!
3. I’m on Under the Beltway!
My friends Anna and Reena run a wonderful podcast about dating in DC called Under the Beltway, and my episode came out yesterday! We recorded back in August immediately after my Date Lab article ran, so we’re talking all things date lab, media scandal, and about the origins of Tinder District (featuring Coupon Guy!). Check it out here, and listen to their other episodes while you’re at it!
Well y’all, I need to go shower and cover my black eye so I look presentable for my date. We’re going to Recessions, so like… I might get murdered. But, hopefully not, so I can see you back here tomorrow with another Bachelor recap!