Context: Hola, amigos! Look how good my Español is getting! Anyway, I’m not going on any dates in Ecuador in the interest of not getting murdered/being able to understand my date, so we’re back with another guest post – this time from my new bestie, Lo! Take it away, girl!

Hey there fellow Tinderellas, Lo here! I moved to the (Tinder) District a couple months ago, and after meeting J and fellow squad-poster MC, I decided it was about time to put an end to my dating hiatus and embrace the “Summer of YASSSS.”

yas

Perhaps my most interesting date so far has been with Army Brat (AB)*. Things started out nicely enough, especially considering the weirdo freakazoids you can find trolling around Tinder. AB eventually asked me out for drinks, to which I responded with an obligatory “Summer of YAAAAASSSS.”**

*He is an Army Brat in only the technical sense of the word; he had NONE of the stereotypical Army Brat qualities that I so adore
**I did not actually write this. I am not a psychopath.

crazy

After I accepted his invitation, I received the following message:
AB: So if I’m being totally honest, I’m not looking for anything serious at all. I don’t know if that changes your answer, but I felt like you should know this before we go out.
Lo: I appreciate you being straightforward. I’m not looking for a one-nighter, but I’m not looking for anything serious either. Just something casual and fun. If that’s cool with you, I’m still game!*

*This entire interaction is approximate, because it is now deleted from Tinder and mostly from memory. You will soon see why.

sex

Saturday night arrives, and we meet up at some rando hookah lounge on H St, which was very new territory for this DC newbie. My Uber Pool was so UNBELIEVABLY uncoordinated that, instead of arriving my standard, cool 5 minutes late, I was a full 30 minutes late* for this date; luckily (unluckily? you decide!) he waited out my arrival. Eventually, we were seated outside and placed our orders. Our conversation centered mostly around him saying “how stupid relationships were” and how he “didn’t see the point in them.” Bitter, much? All in all, no romantic spark, but there were worse ways to spend an evening!

*This is a problem I encounter all the time in DC, btw. Forever missing New York <3

ny

…but then, things took a turn. Our waitress came over to tell us that the bar didn’t have a license to sell hookah or alcohol outside after midnight (how does this place survive in DC?!), so we would need to close out, and gave us our check.

Now, my fellow TDers, I am a modern, independent woman who don’t NEED no man, “leaning in” 2016 yadda yadda. I am, thus, ALWAYS prepared to pay for my half of the check. I have no qualms with this. Qualms? Me? Never!

ryan

HOWEVER. I am NOT prepared to pay for the entire check on the FIRST date, especially when I am the invited, not the inviter. Thus, when the check came, I did the standard credit card pump-fake, to which he responded “Oh… no… you don’t have to…” while simultaneously not budging. This is how we ended up with my credit card sitting alone on the check, between us, JUS CHILLIN, for 10 minutes before the waitress came back for it. Out of sheer desperation to avoid this awkwardness, I paid the entire $55 check without saying a thing (and also without a ‘thank you’ from him, btw… I need to have a talk with your mama, young man).

I was fully prepared to ditch this dude at this point, because WTF, when he asked me about my plans for the evening. I mentioned that I had plans with MC and that she was spending the night, so I had to go meet up with her. Naturally, homeboy invited himself along. WHY?!

fuck

Naturally I was dead set on nixing this fool, but then he offered to drive me all the way up to AdMo. Unable to resist the carriage (that I knew was truly a pumpkin), I accepted. Hey, it was 12:30 and this princess needed to get home! Luckily, my girl MC came in SO CLUTCH. She somehow managed to intercept us at a heavily trafficked red light, feigned drunkenness, and pulled me out of the car and AWAY from AB. THANKS MC LOVE YA GIRL XOXO.

MC and I swapped stories about our shit-show nights over a plethora of cheese-based drunken munchies and somehow arrived at the idea that, since I had ZERO interest in ever seeing this guy again, I should send him a Venmo request for half of the bill. And that is just what I did. ASK ME IF I CARE.

look

Shockingly, AB paid me back! Now THAT is what I call a success. Well, maybe not a success – but a relatively decent turnaround from a relatively shitty guy.

Lesson learned: never do the check dance unless you’re willing to tango by yourself.

Until next time, Tinderellas!
Lo