Alternative title: ‘A Scientific Analysis of J’s Screwed-Up College Experiences’

Hi, readers! If you haven’t realized this from previous posts, I am very very VERY barely removed from my college life. It hasn’t yet been a full year since I graduated, and as my alma mater is only a two-hour drive from DC, I head back pretty frequently – to the point where multiple people have asked what class I failed to get me held back a semester. To those people, I say: Advanced Corporate Finance. A nightmare of a course, infested with future Goldman-Stanley Deutsche-Suisse-Bank douchelords.*

*To my employer and coworkers, I say: HAHAHA WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? OF COURSE I GRADUMACATED!!! Don’t fire me please!!!

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However, one thing that has changed SIGNIFICANTLY since my University days is what I consider a ‘date.’ As you know, I’m no stranger to dating, especially when facilitated by the wide array of apps that deliver wallet-bearing men to me on a silver platter. In college, though, things were… different. Instead of ‘dates,’ we had ‘date functions.’ You may know them as ‘mixers’ or ‘where dreams go to die.’ Ringing a bell? Exactly.

Now, I am extremely embarrassed to admit that, at one point in my life, I considered these actual dates. I.e., I would gush to my friends (over convenience store wine we had convinced an upperclassman to buy, natch) that I was “sooooo EXCITED to go on a DATE with KEVIN to his FRATERNITY FUNCTION!!!!” but had “absolutely NO IDEA what to WEAAAAAR, Monica can I raid your closet pretty pleaseeeee?”

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I hope you will believe me when I say I’ve grown less basic with age??

So, in the following open letter to my 18/..19/…20-year-old self, I will perform a highly scientific comparative analysis of dates versus date functions. Get ready, get set….!

The Guy

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Date: Typically found on a dating app (or through mutual friends or out in public or something if you’re ~weird~ like that), this guy is someone you’ve ideally traded a few conversations with, but are excited to get to know better. There is some attraction between you two, but you have yet to engage in anything but light banter.man2

Date Function: Picture this: It’s Wednesday morning. You’re hungover AF in your 8 AM Calc 2 discussion, cursing your previous self for ambitiously signing up for this section, when your phone vibrates against your thigh. You shoot a cursory glance at the TA to make sure he’s not paying attention, then slide your phone out of your pants pocket. It’s a text from “Spencer Phi Deltttt.” Hmmm, when were you even at Phi Del- OH! THAT GUY! He was cute. You silently applaud your past self as you slide open the text, still cautious to avoid the leering glance of Mr. Math up front.

“Hey! This is Spencer. We met at Phi Delt last Saturday. I was wearing a sombrero? Lol. Anyway, we’re having a date function at the house this Friday, and I was wondering if you want to come with me? No worries if you already have plans”

Hmmm. Spencer. Would we have anything to talk about? Well, other than his proclivity for sticking his tongue down my throat, that is… on second thought, we probably won’t even have to talk at all! IN.

YES, GUYS, I ONCE CONSIDERED THESE DATES. I HAVE SEEN THE ERROR OF MY WAYS. WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED.

The Attire

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Date: Ahhh, what to wear on a date? It can prove difficult to strike the perfect balance between ‘not trying too hard’ and ‘haaaaay sexy ladyyy,’ but I usually find that a flattering sundress or nice pair of leggings does the trick!

I actually wore something very similar to this to a dfunc sophomore year and I regret EVERYTHING

I actually wore something very similar to this to a dfunc sophomore year and I regret EVERYTHING

Date Function: This, of course, depends on the theme! ‘Malt Disney’? Slutty Nala costume!! (to your date’s Simba, of course). ‘Sexy Joggers and Rugged Loggers’? Your tiniest Norts, fanny pack, and some fluorescent knee-high socks should do the trick! As long as you look hot, thotty, and on-theme, you’ll get it in. General rule of thumb: If you would wear it to a date function, DON’T WEAR IT ON A DATE. 2nd general rule of thumb: walk of shaming in a lion costume will garner you some stares. Don’t be shy, hit people with your tail. Rawr.

The Pregame

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Date: Ahh, the lead-up to a date can be so nerve-wracking! Sometimes, a glass of wine or two can be the perfect thing to take the edge off 🙂

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Date Function: SHOTS! SHOTTTTSSSS! BEFORE your date gets you! WHILE your date is picking you up! At the pregame! At the game! At the post-game! After sex! There’s no such thing as too much alcohol!!!

On the real, y’all, one time I went to a formal at a winery with a dude I had talked to ONCE, hadn’t even hooked up with (the night I met him I ended up sleeping with his frat brother hehehe), and was told that there would ONLY BE WINE?! You better fucking believe I pregamed that shit harder than I’ve ever pregamed before. Turns out you can have a good time with anyone when you’re blackout! Who’da thunk it?

The ‘Date’

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Date: Light conversation, some drinks, maybe food, hopefully some laughs, and maybe – just maybe! – a little goodnight kiss?? Scandalous!!

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Date Function: Oh man, it’s all such a blur. Why is everyone dressed like animals? Who knew you could make a slutty firetruck costume? Omg is that my best friend ever aka a girl I met once in a bar bathroom??? It is!! Where did I put my phone? My drink? My date??? Is it ok to trade dates with that other girl? Hers is taller… hey, did they say the bar tab is about to run out?!?! GO GO GO GO GO… Blackout.

Wake up. Locate shoes. Locate purse. Low key steal an article of date’s clothing as a ‘souvenir.’

Check phone. New number. ‘Michael Theta Chi.’

Rinse and repeat. Hey, you only get one shot at college!

XOXO,
J