Happy Monday, Tinder District readers! How was your weekend? Did you spend it watching ‘Magic Mike’ on mute while listening to ’80s love ballads? No? Oh. Haha, me neither!!!
I have a confession, since we’re all cool and open with each other and jank. I took the weekend off from Tinder dates. *gasp*
Yep, I paid for my own food and drank for three. days. straight. New record?*
*This was made easier by the fact that I attended an open bar party on Friday night, was too hungover on Saturday to eat anything but dinner and Jumbo Slice, and was once again too hungover on Sunday to eat anything but dinner and some of this dank apple caramel cake I made. Thank you, tequila, for saving me from needing to buy food. #JoseIsBae2016
I couldn’t leave y’all without a blog post, though! Like how else would you procrastinate your various responsibilities?! Oh… Facebook, you say? And Instagram? Darn my lack of importance to your life. Eh, the show must go on.
SoOoOo, one common thread running through all my dates (aside from me temporarily forgetting how to use silverware, dropping it, and hiding my face until it finishes clattering loudly on the ground) is that I will inevitably respond to one of my date’s questions in the worst possible way. I thought I would share some of such answers, just in case there was any chance that any guys out there still wanted to go out with me, or in case you are under the impression that I am in any way ‘suave.’
Question: My family is pretty Christian. Are you religious?
Answer that will make your date hate you: Yeah, kinda! I’m like, Buddhist. But- but- not like, in a weird way!!
Accompanying body language that doesn’t help at all: Tree pose. In the middle of the Italian Embassy.
Question: What should our trivia team name be?
Answer that will make your date hate you: My friends and I usually go with Sweatpants Boner!
Your date’s skeptical response: What did you just say?
Answer that will make your date hate you even more: Oh… um… thank god I’m an organ donor?
Accompanying body language that doesn’t help at all: Showing your date the little heart on your license to prove that you are, in fact, an organ donor.
Question: What’s your best friend like?
Answer that will make your date hate you: She’s great!! She actually just got engaged, and I’m super excited to be in her wedding. It’s funny, when I told my mom she was like ‘so you’re next, right?!’ and I was like ‘haha no I’ll probably never get married.’
Accompanying body language that doesn’t help at all: Nervous eye twitch; furious blushing that begins in the neck and causes you to bear a stunning resemblance to a ripe tomato.
Question: How has your week been?
Answer that will make your date hate you: OMG, it has been SO exhausting! You’re my 4th tinder date in three days, and I think I can smell colors.
Accompanying body language that doesn’t help at all: Slouching in your chair to emphasize your exhaustion, while allowing your eyes to cross and your tongue to loll out of your mouth. Hey, show AND tell, right?!
Question: Wow, why do you go to a gym all the way out in McLean when you live in Clarendon?
Answer that will make your date hate you: Oh, well there’s actually the most beautiful boy in the world who works out there at the same time I do, and I try to impress him in hopes that one day he’ll talk to me! He’s so perfect.
Accompanying body language that doesn’t help at all: Showing your date the creepy snapchats of this guy that you’ve saved, along with the ex-boyfriend who he looks identical to.
I’m lucky I’m pretty, I guess?