Context: Hey, readers. I’m not sure if you’ve been able to tell from my erratic posting schedule, or darker than normal humor, or (if you know me personally) lack of life in my eyes – but my job is killing me*. It all started when I cried at the DC DMV (don’t wanna talk about it) and the very sassy DMV lady in charge of my mess told me that my boss didn’t own me (true), and that life was too short to be miserable (fair), and that I could smile in my license picture (I know that; I am no longer able to smile).
I found a new job that same day.
However, there’s a pesky matter of a 401k match that’s been keeping me at my firm. So, for the past two weeks, I (as well as several of my friends who are also leaving) have been celebrating our little wins.
*Literally – when I tried to self-diagnose my exhaustion and constant disdain for being alive, WebMD noted that I likely had depression, anxiety, and HIV/AIDS.
As a ~millennial~, I am notorious for needing recognition for every. single. one. of my accomplishments. Thus, below is a list of medals that I have awarded myself at some point in the past two weeks.
- Left bed.
- Left my room.
- Didn’t drink before noon.
- Left the house.
- Drank wine without accidentally drinking the entire bottle.*
- Interacted with a human.
- Opened my work laptop without crying.
- Resisted the urge to then throw my laptop out the window.
- Managed to get dirty clothes within a 5-foot radius of the hamper.**
- Listened to a playlist that is not entitled ‘Sad 90s Love Songs for your Broken Heart.’***
- Worn clothing that was not black.
- Responded to a text without first yelling at your phone “LEAVE ME ALONEEEE”
- Laid unmoving on your living room floor for less than 4 hours****
- Ate food that was from neither a vending machine nor Uber Eats.
Hey, guys – look at all my accomplishments! I’d say I’m doing pretty damn good at life. Now, what do you say we pour another bottle-sized glass of wine and have a toast? A toast to me putting pants on today!
Wait… are you saying leggings don’t count as pants?
*This includes the time I poured an entire bottle of wine into a plastic water bottle and managed to spill on myself three times. Didn’t drink the whole thing technically!!!
**INTO the hamper is asking far too much from a borderline-depressed human.
***’NOTHING’S RIGHT I’M TORNNNN, I’M ALL OUT OF FAITH, THIS IS HOW IT FEELS, LYING NAKED ON THE FLOOOOR’
****My roommate found me in this state, and – upon seeing her concerned expression – I convinced her I was participating in the mannequin challenge. I think she bought it.