No matter whether you’re Tindering up a blaze (ew), Buzzin’ on Bumble (sorry), or seeing what’s Happn-ing (you can stop reading if you want), your opening line is one of the most critical moves that you will make in your budding relationship with that cute girl posing with all the puppies. In my time on Tinder, I have seen it all, most notable of late being the following:
I understand that it can be hard! This beautiful Kate Middleton look-a-like is probably being swarmed with romantic promises from local Fabio’s, promising her riches, vodka, and more riches (and hopefully more vodka. Is that just me?)
Don’t fret! I’m an absolute Saint, so I have put together the following Guide to the Opening Line. You’re welcome in advance!*
*Tinder District does not accept any responsibility for any lines that do not work as promised. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
A positive response to this kind of message LIKELY says “I have a sense of humor and will be a fun person to talk to!” CAVEAT: it may also denote that the respondent is a lovesick sociopath. Proceed at your own risk.
MAYBE: “How are you?”
How am I? Well, I just took Plan B, I threw up next to the toilet when I was drunk last week, I’ve had Ramen for the past five meals, and I’ve been listening to “Strawberry Wine” on repeat and crying for the past three hours while looking at pictures of my ex-boyfriend.
Ok, so don’t respond that. Or do, and leave a comment to let me know how that works out for you. The point is, I’m not comfortable sharing my intimate personal details with a complete stranger (I’ll get to know you and THEN bombard you with all my little quirks and anxieties, muahaha). I will likely follow your lead and respond with a generic “I’m good! How about you?” and we have learned NOTHING about each other. Good start. Better to save this kind of pleasantry for passing your awkward coworker in the office hallway.
DON’T: “You like adventure, huh? Well, my asshole is a jungle.”
I received this message on Sunday. It still haunts me. I suppose this is what I should have expected when I added the clause “I’m tired of just ‘getting drinks.’ Let’s go on an adventure!” I JUST WANT MORE EMBASSY GALAS, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!**
**Yes, J. Yes it is.
Because I’m super fun and original!!!! (Or lazy. Choose your own adventure).
MAYBE: “Hey, it’s super cool that you went to [COLLEGE]! That’s where my mom went!
Oh, good. One of my criteria for a successful relationship is actually “where your mom went to college.” It ranks right up there with ‘how many paperclips you have in your desk drawer’ and ‘how many hairs are growing out of your right big-toe knuckle.’
Sure. Find something in common, great talking point. But please, for the sake of the children, guide that conversation away from your parents. A bit early in the relationship for that, don’tcha think?
I rest my case.
DON’T, DON’T, DON’T:
OH, MY GOD, WHY DO I ALLOW MY FRIENDS TO USE MY TINDER:
Actually, fuck it. Say whatever you want. I just found a message where I told a guy my SAT score. I clearly don’t know what the hell I’m doing.