One of the biggest perks of my job (aside from them, like, paying me a salary and stuff) is the opportunity to drive down to my alma mater on a fairly regular basis and recruit hot men to join my team so I can have some eye candy while I’m at work.
…I mean, to recruit top talent to the firm so that we can out-perform our competitors and establish our spot as market leader. Is that not what I said? Weird!
Yesterday, I was #blessed with the chance to head down to our Engineering and Technology Career Fair – aka WALLET CENTRAL. Holy shit, y’all, Tinder at this thing was LIT. Everyone was either a wallet-in-training about to graduate with like, an aeronautical nuclear software development degree, or a wallet-already working for the International Computer Defense Bulldozer Analytics Network*. I was in HEAVEN.
*Contrary to popular belief, not my place of employment. Sorry to disappoint.
But, guys… I was there for work. I had THINGS to do. And, as such, I had to get rullll creative with my *flirtation techniques.* Thus, I present to you the Tinder District guide to picking guys up at a career fair. Get your resumes and cover letters ready – this job application could end with love.
- Work the expense account
While you’re talking to a gentleman, casually mention that your business travel means you are given a per diem to spend on whateeeever you want. Dinner, beers, his beers, CONDOMS, snacks, roofies? Before he gets a chance to interject that he must be leaving immediately, use your corporate card as a throwing star to stun him temporarily, then move onto the next
- Promise them a job
“Oh, yeah, you only have a 2.3 GPA so you’re scared of landing this job at Google where everyone else who’s applying has somehow surpassed a 4.0? No worries! I got you, dude!! What are your extracurriculars? …no, I don’t think they consider ‘dealin’ crack’ as an extracurricular… but, HECK, with those biceps, you shouldn’t have to do anything but hit the gym! Just out of curiosity, what do you bench?”
The recruiters may hate you, and the dude may hate you eventually, but a wise coffee mug once told me to “Live for the moment” and you can’t argue with that!
- “Accidentally” spill your company swag
Spot a cute guy walking by who appears to have exactly zero interest in your booth? Time to pull out the big guns. Grab the bag filled with your company’s logo pens (nothing makes me want to work for you more than a free pen!!) and hurl it to the ground. With pens rolling everywhere, homeboy* will get tripped up in no time. Swoop in, catch him in your arms, and forever be his hero. BONUS: every time he’s being difficult with you, you can remind him of the time you saved his life. Crack that whip, ladies!
*Also innocent bystanders. But, guys. Priorities.
- Business card airplanes
Spot a cutie who’s out of earshot? Luckily, your days in the girl scouts have not gone to waste! Use those origami skills to craft your business card into a teeny tiny paper airplane, then send it sailing across the room to your future wallet. The heft of the paper helps the plane get some serious distance! As long as you don’t, like, poke him in the eye or something, you’re good to go!
- When all else fails, play dumb
If there’s one thing that romantic comedies have taught me about men, it’s that they like feel smart and macho and such. Use this to your advantage by donning your best ‘Sexy Secretary’ outfit (bonus points if your heels are so high that you actually cannot walk!) and strut (/crawl) up to his booth. Make him feel useful and important by asking a series of questions, like “what do you do?” and “what impact is your company having on the economy?” and “wow are you aware how attractive and intelligent you are?” and “wanna fuck in that bathroom?” You know, the basics. Works every time.
There you have it! Make the most of this recruiting season, little thots. After all, two incomes is better than one!