Ok, betches, before you all get your panties in a knot and think “reinvention” is some spiritual new-me shit, or heavens forbid you think I’m giving up drinking, I need you to sit the fuck down and listen. I will never stop drinking. And why would I need a new me when the existing me is already perfect? Exactly.
I’m talking about a new image. A new, even betchier, even HOTTER persona. And since my friends are sick of listening to me talk about this subject in person, I figured I’d share it with the Internet.
Unless you’re one of the few, the proud, the lucky humans who know me IRL, you may not know that I’ve had long brown hair my whole entire life. 23 years of the same old, same old. In January, when I quit my job/moved out of my house/decided every straight male was public enemy numero uno, I dipped my toes into the world of change with some golden balayage. And it felt GREAT. I felt betchier, brighter, but not entirely like a new person.
Last month, feeling weighed down by my long brown locks, I decided to take a page from the Roaring (Whoring) 20s and get my hair cut into a flapper-esque bob. You see, the flappers had stood up against the man by cutting their long hair and voicing their right to drink and to vote. Those are all awesome things! I love drinking and voting*!
*Even if the results are sometimes disastrous lookin @ you Donald J. Cheeto
Instantly, I felt free, fun, and fabulous. Gone was sometimes nicegirl J, and here to stay was major betch J. But that wasn’t enough – a few weeks later, I took a page from my friend Lil’ S’ book and dyed my dark hair blonde. WOAH, BABY. BLONDES DO HAVE MORE FUN. Soooo much more fun, and even more free drinks than before (if that is even possible…?).
The best part by far, though, is that people have no idea what’s wrong with me. Like, am I auditioning for a film role as Taylor Swift? Am I going into hiding with the Witness Protection Program? Am I having a legitimate mental breakdown? Am I okay? No one knows.
But, guys, I just can’t IMAGINE going my whole life and having just one hair length/color. How? How could I never know what it’s like to be a blonde?! Exactly. However, if you are considering a self-reinvention of your own, I have some ground rules for you. Heed my knowledge or live to regret everything.
1. If you’re going for a big change, leave it to the experts.
Listen, I am just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time, I sleep with guys I shouldn’t just because they have wealthy families, and I trim my own bangs because I’m poor AF and can’t afford to go to the salon all the damn time. But, if you’re doing a major change (read: going blonde), GO TO THE DAMN SALON. You’re going to fuck that shit up and it’s just gonna cost you more money later to correct the damage you’ve done.
2. DO NOT change for anyone else. Change for YOURSELF.
Unless you’re actually going out for aforementioned role in the movie version of Taylor Swift’s life, any change you make should not be dictated by anyone else. So that fuckboy Chad you went on three dates with likes redheads? DON’T CHANGE FOR CHAD. Honey, he didn’t ghost you because of your hair color, he ghosted on you because he didn’t receive enough love as a child and has deep-seeded emotional maturity issues. Don’t you forget that. Put DOWN the hair dye.
3. Taking new pictures for your dating apps is a bitch.
You know those guys who have all their dating app pictures in the same outfit and it’s just them posing in different ways and avoiding looking directly at the camera? Yeah, you know those guys. a) who the EFF is taking your pics and why are they enabling you like this, b) I’m convinced this is a direct attack on me and everything I hold dear, and c) you obvi don’t want to be one of those guys. So, just know that after you change up your look, it’s going to take you at least a week and up to a month* to amass enough pics for your five dating app profiles. Don’t catfish guys in the interim because it gets awkward.
*Depending how much of a fucking camera whore you are. Side note: if you use a Snapchat of yourself with the dog filter I will find you and end you.
4. Understand that you may need to change your outfit and makeup choices.
Guys, going blonde breathed LIFE into my wardrobe. My dark hair used to blend straight in with my LBDs and make my chokers less prominent – now, my light hair looks amazing on dark colors. However, I used to be able to toss my hair up into a long pony when I was lazy and look polished AF. Now, my baby ponytail is adorable, but not exactly professional & posh. You’re a betch so you’ll look hot AF no matter what you do, but it takes some trial and error to find out what works.
And that’s all! Embrace the change, babes. It’s 2017, after all – you can always dye it back or get extensions if you end up hating everything.
Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go back to giggling and pretending to be a dumb blonde in exchange for free Irish Trash Cans.