TD Guide: Surviving the office holiday party

Christmas is almost here! Please, please tell me you’re stuffing your face with cookies rn (and if not, TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME NOW. Holiday baking is my middle name, except change the word “holiday” to “Rachelle” and remove the word “baking” entirely). Tis the season for parties of all kinds, including the ever-present ~Open Bar~ office holiday party!

If that sentence scared the bejeezus out of you, we are cut from the same cloth. This shit takes things from here (hand is down low, hovering by my kneecaps) to allll the way up HERE (hand is high up, floating away in a hot air balloon powered by Christmas spirit). After attending TWO of said parties in the past week, I now consider myself an expert in the field, and therefore am writing this handy guide so that you can avoid making the same mistakes I did.

Before we begin, let’s acknowledge this email that I received from Hinge: hinge holiday party

Amazing.

DO: Pregame with your squad and roll up together.

squad

Obviously, the first benefit here is that hanging out with your coworkers outside of work is good, everyone should be friends, etc. BUT, this also makes it much easier to roll up to the party and not be sober & alone (what nightmares are made of). BONUS: you can split the cost of Ubers, which is my M.O. 100% of the time. I’m like one of those Real Housewives who wants all of the things, but doesn’t want to spend any money, minus the orange skin (hopelessly pasty girls unite). AND you can all take cute pics together before you get those hollow, soulless wastey-face-drunk-eyes.

DON’T: Pregame too heavily.

Yep, as with most things I am advised not to do, I did this. It started with margaritas at lunch and all went downhill from there, culminating in passing peppermint schnapps and whipped cream back and forth with my guy friend’s girlfriend until we had both taken five hefty pulls and needed to be corralled into Ubers. Good life decisions!

poor decisions2

DO: Dress festively!

How often do you get to wear a headband with a wildly tacky Christmas bow on it? (If your answer to this question is greater than five, please PLEASE tell me your secrets). Plus, you never know when this headband will come in handy, like when your coworker starts vomiting in the bushes outside the venue and needs something to hold her hair back! Not that this happened or anything. RIP headband.

festive dog

DON’T: Wear white.

RED WINE + WHITE CLOTHES = BAD IDEA. Festive? If you’re into that whole human-candy-cane thing. But then you wake up with red wine all over your legs and think that you’re bleeding and have a minor panic attack, until you remember that you spilled on yourself as a result of hitting the quan too hard (it just speaks to me). Then you remember that you also spilled on everyone else, too. You know what, just stick to white wine, and everyone will be better off.

pink wine

DO: Hold two drinks at all times so you don’t text boys you shouldn’t.

Honestly, this is the best life advice I have ever received. And, like all good advice I am given, I completely threw it to the wind with my first sip of alcohol and woke up the morning after the holiday party swimming in regret for the multiple ex-lovers I had conversed with.

Ring Ring
Hello?
It’s my lost dignity, I have to take this.

kesha

Whew, that was a lot of embarrassment to relive. I’m gonna go pour another schnapps chocolate. Happy holidays, readers!

XOXO,
J

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