Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you the number one thing I see on male Tinder bios:
Feel free to replace ‘British library’ with ‘bars,’ ‘the grocery store,’ ‘when you were a hungover mess at Chick-fil-a,’ etc.
Also, quick note because my mom reads the blog – I found this picture on the internet. I do not actually match with 40-year-old men, or *shudder* use the metric system. Fret not.
I understand that Tinder isn’t the most romantic way to meet someone, but be proud, fellow dating-app-users! This is the 21st century! Hold your head high, stick your dating apps on the front page of your phone, turn those push notifications on, and embrace it!
This got me thinking, though, about how I introduce my Tinder dates to other people, and more specifically what I say to avoid saying what I WANT to say.
Example 1: Mr. Chicago
- What I said: “Have you met Mr. Chicago? He also does IT consulting, and he loves to run – he has a half marathon coming up this weekend, actually!”
- What I wanted to say: “Hey, look at this fuckboy!!! Sure he’s hot, but we’ve been on 5 dates and he still can’t spell my name right!* Also, when things end and I tell him I don’t want to receive his booty calls anymore, he’ll unfriend me on Facebook the same day because he’s very mature!”
*It’s 5 letters. FIVE. LETTERS. NOT THAT HARD.
Example 2: Excuses
- What I said: “This is Excuses! He’s the one who showed me that bar I took you to last weekend – he’s super knowledgeable about fun places in DC.”
- What I wanted to say: “I hooked up with this guy on my kitchen counter and didn’t tell my roommates about it for like a month, lol. Also he was hospitalized twice when we were dating and didn’t tell me about it! Then got offended when I didn’t ask him if he had been hospitalized! I should probably run away, right?!”
Example 3: Coupon Guy
- What I said: “Hey, Nana**, this is Coupon – he actually grew up around here, he went to the same high school Mom did!”
- What I wanted to say: “This guy used a coupon on the first date and told me what I could and couldn’t order. Every snapchat is of a bargain he found with the caption ‘WHAT JEW KNOW?!’. The only way I got him to agree to come kayaking was by telling him it was free. Why am I on this date?”
- What my grandma ACTUALLY SAID: “Ooh, he’s cuter than the last guy you brought on a kayaking date! J brings guys around here all the time.”
**Yes, I introduced a Tinder boy to my grandparents on the 2nd date, but they live on a lake and have kayaks and I’M ADVENTUROUS OK.
Maybe if I started being honest with these fuckboys they would suck less.