Helloooo, loves! How are you doing on this fine, snowy Hump Day?
I’m cold and starving, thanks for asking. After getting two of my teeth capped on Monday I’m on a liquids-only diet for the next three weeks, which is great! I’ll be so skinny and so wanted (for between 5 and 10 murders) by February 6th, right in time for this challenge to be over. Bring on the soup!
Speaking of challenge, if you haven’t read my Sunday Scaries post from this week then a) get to it! I’m funny! Read my shit, damnit!!! and b) you might not be aware that matchmaking service Three Day Rule has paired with the Amazon Alexa to offer one piece of dating advice every day between January 14th and February 13th, with the intention of helping you find a Valentine. This is great because it means I can lay in bed, yell at Alexa, and feel like I’m advancing my love life. See, mom? I’m trying!
I’ll be honest – when I first read that this was a thing, I thought it was super cheesy. I thought they would be like Cosmo dating tips, and I still haven’t taken Cosmo seriously since they ran a Q&A that included “What do I do if I have a carrot stuck in a vagina?” REALLY, WHO PUBLISHED THIS? WHO WROTE THIS?! I hope you sought medical attention immediately and not 3 months later when the article ran. Praying for your vag!!
However, the tips are solidly action-oriented, which I appreciate. To recap, tip #1 had to deal with swiping fatigue – Alexa told me to focus only on one app for the next 30 days and to really commit to it, trying to arrange in-person meetings soon after chatting. I chose to go with Bumble, and have been having a great time swiping and messaging questions from this Forbes list of icebreakers.
Which brings us to Tip #2!
Date with intention. Create a list with the 5 most important things you’re looking for in a romantic partner, and use this to assess who is a best fit for you.
Ok, list. Cool. I can make lists! This was totally doable. I immediately texted my friend A, who’s holding me accountable, to get to work on my list.
So, yes. Turns out making a list can often end up you listing out your favorite qualities in your last boyfriend. However, there are guys out there with these qualities who don’t end up being the absolute worst!
So there we have it folks, my list:
- Physically Attractive (call me shallow, I’ll own it, you probably are too)
- Sex Panther (lmao)
- Funny (but NOT dad jokes funny. Like, New Girl/It’s Always Sunny funny. Tell me a dad joke and I will leave the restaurant immediately)
- Charismatic (/gets along well with my friends/someone I can bring to a party and they’ll be able to hold their own)
Now that the list was set, I needed to find a way to translate that to my dating. Attractive is easy – I’ll cover that with who I swipe on or choose to flirt with. Sex panther I won’t find out until at least the 3rd date, so that can be tabled for now. Employed/educated are hopefully things I can glean from your Bumble profile and/or a cursory LinkedIn stalking session, so that was easy enough. That left funny and charismatic. So, I started messaging.
I think what we can all take out of this situation is that John is not the guy for me, I’m really great with opening lines, and that maybe trying to ascertain certain characteristics is best reserved for the actual date. Ah, well – next time!
So, y’all – make a list, check it twice, and throw out everything that blatantly goes against the things that are most important to you. But also… maybe give someone a chance when they’re not normally your type. After all, tip 1 said to reach out to anyone you find interesting!