ContextLast night, I went on an excellent 2nd date with a man that I very much enjoy spending time with, mostly because he is gorgeous and has great abs, and because I googled his private high school and tuition starts at $20,000 a year*, but also because I enjoy talking to him? idk SHOOT ME. Today, I texted him a reference to a funny thing we talked about yesterday, and it’s been 2 hours and he hasn’t responded and I’m freaking out and if this sounds like a suicide letter that’s because it is. Anyway writing this post is the only thing keeping me sane so thanks fam. Enjoy!

*I am READY AND WILLING to be a trophy wife, just you say the word.

Behind every thot’s tough outer “IDGAF” exterior, there is a softer side.

Now, thot community, don’t come after me! I’m just keeping it real*. Because, as much as I walk into every date/hookup/bar encounter with someone of the worse sex all like “OMG lolz who cares what he thinks about me! I’m only in this for the free drinks and an excuse to practice my eyelash-fluttering!”, the actual feeling of rejection is a lot to handle. Because like WHY?! Why don’t you love me?! It’s a harrowingly terrible feeling.

*It’s good to show vulnerability once in a while because men become more inclined to buy you drinks.

ANYWAY. This is enough to drive even the most self-confident lady completely batshit. So I present to you: 20 thoughts I had while waiting for a text back.

  1. Omg he must be like, so busy at work! He’s so dedicated. Make that money, sweetie!
  2. I wonder what he’d think if I called him sweetie. Maybe I’ll slip that in there next time we talk, real casually, see what happens.
  3. THAT IS, IF WE EVER TALK EVER AGAIN! WHY ARE YOU GHOSTING ON ME, SIR?! I’M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO DO THAT!
  4. Omg what if he died? He did get on the metro really late last night… it can get really shady around there… he was definitely shanked by a hobo.
  5. Should I call the police and file a missing persons report? He said he wasn’t that close with his roommate – what if no one ever reports it?? I’m really doing a public service!
  6. Ugh, stop it, J, you’re always so dramatic. He’s obviously just not responding because he’s so in love with me and he’s nervous that he’s never felt this way about someone else before. I mean, can you blame him?
  7. Maybe that’s also what happened to every other guy who’s ever ghosted me…
  8. I should text them!
    *Sends off 97 “Hey stranger! How have you been?” texts*
  9. I immediately regret sending every single one of those texts.
  10. Maybe I should get a new number.
  11. BUT THEN MY TRUE LOVE WON’T BE ABLE TO TEXT ME!
  12. It will be just like Romeo and Juliet… he can’t reach me so I… kill myself?… on second thought let’s be a happier love story. She’s the Man? I can get down with some Channing Tatum.
  13. Why am I so torn up over this fuckboy when he’s not even Channing Tatum?!
  14. I’m just going to put my phone face down for 10 minutes, get really into this work, and then when I flip it over he’ll have texted me back.
    *4 minutes pass*
  15. God DAMN IT 10 MINUTES IS A LONG TIME
    *Checks phone; there is nothing but an Instagram like from @furniture_assembly_experts, my biggest fan*
  16. I probably shouldn’t have told him about my Sugar Daddies.
  17. WHY THE FUCK AM I LIKE THIS?!
  18. I should text my Sugar Daddies…
  19. IS MY PHONE VIBRATING???
  20. IT IS!!!!
  21. IT’S A TEXT!!!
  22. NOTIFY THE NATIONAL GUARD! THE MEDIA! MY GRANDMOTHER WHO ALWAYS ASKS WHEN I’LL FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE ME!

Text: Haha ya that was random

………..

NO

NOOOOoooOOOOOooooOOOOO

NOOOOOO

5 HOURS of ANGUISH for this shit??? How do I even RESPOND?! Do I EVER respond?! YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME YOU IDIOT FUCKBOY!

Someone call up Channing Tatum, this girl’s on the rebound.

XOXO,
J