Context: Ahh, Valentine’s Day. A day of love, affection, and me drinking a lot of NyQuil by myself so I don’t have to endure one second of the sappy Facebook and Instagram posts. What a time to be alive.

If you have a date for Valentine’s Day, congratulations, I hate you. If you don’t have a date, congrats! You can be drunk and bitter just like me. Grab a bottle of wine and start swigging while you read these horoscopes. We’ll all be laughing when these cuffing season couples break up by the Ides of March.

Aquarius: Neptune and Jupiter are aligning in Aries, which means that you have a 900% higher chance of accidentally liking your ex’s new girlfriend’s bikini insta from spring break 2 years ago. Embrace it. Comment on it. You do you.

Pisces: You actually have a boyfriend, but you’re beginning to realize that you despise him, and you’re using Valentine’s Day as your chance to break free. Let him buy you flowers and chocolate, cook you dinner, and then tell him to go into the bedroom and wait for you to get ready for ‘your surprise’. As soon as the door closes, RUN. Never return. Block his number. Start a new life in New Zealand.

Aries: Channel your inner Taylor Swift. Put on red lipstick, cat-eye your black liner, and call all your ex-boyfriends to ask if they want to get back together. When they say no, immediately burst into flames.

Taurus: Because you’re an idiot and your stars are in retrograde or some shit, you will schedule a first date for Valentine’s Day. When your Tinder date arrives at the restaurant, you will be pleasantly surprised by how attractive he is. TOO attractive. You’ll be so intimidated that you’ll forget everything you’ve ever learned about ordering a drink. “WHAT IS WINE?!” you’ll scream as your date cowers in fear. You’ll never hear from him again.

Gemini: Your mother, so in need of grandchildren that she can shower with love (even though she never showed you any love of your own), will try to artificially inseminate you in your sleep. You don’t live at home? She’ll find you. Don’t let your eyes close; Planned Parenthood is on the rocks and ain’t NOBODY got time to spend 9 months not drinking.

Cancer: You will realize that your ex-boyfriend is having a really hard time moving on from your relationship. From what you can tell through his blinds, he is eating – something you always did. Rekindle the flames. Now is the time.

Leo: Grab a friend, go to a bar and attempt suicide the old-fashioned way: by listening to a hot dude who doesn’t want to fuck you ask you questions about the friend you came here with.

Virgo: Ignore Valentine’s Day. Consider yourself above it. Drink a bottle of wine at work. Binge eat your roommate’s Edible Arrangement.

Libra: Copy and paste “Yo u up?” to every boy in your phone, wait for one to respond, and then sob uncontrollably into your pillow when you get no replies because everyone but you is in a relationship.

Scorpio: Rob a bank and flee to South Africa, where you can start anew.

Sagittarius: Rob a grocery store of all its Ben & Jerry’s and flee to an underground bunker, where you can eat your ice cream in peace and never talk to anyone again.

Capricorn: Two words: male strippers.

Fuck your pink and white and red flowers and chocolates and balloons and shit, I’m getting hammered.

XOXO,
J