The next time your date vanishes from your life (much like my money at a Tobi sale), remember that it’s probably not you. It’s most likely one of the following:

  1. He got home and realized that he had a piece of broccoli wedged in his front teeth the entire time, and is now afraid to face you ever again.
  2. While you thought it was cute when you thought you saw a spider and shrieked and sent your fork flying into the air, and then the whole restaurant turned and looked at you, and then it wasn’t actually a spider, and you giggled, he um… he didn’t think that was cute. He didn’t think that was cute at all.
  3. He died.
  4. You talked about your SAT score too much.
  5. You didn’t talk about your SAT score enough.
  6. He’s legitimately terrified of the amount of alcohol you were able to consume without showing any effects of intoxication, and the effect that could have on his wallet going forward.
  7. You hadn’t showered in three days.
  8. He secretly has a wife and family and was trying to begin an affair, but upon interacting with your female innocence he decided he was wrong and is ready to turn over a new leaf.
  9. His phone got Y2K’d/was stolen by a ninja/fell in the toilet and he lost your number.
  10. You inadvertently meowed multiple times throughout the date.
  11. He didn’t like you.

why

He probably just died.

XOXO,
J